The General Public

'Oh, good for you!', 'I could never do what you do.' and 'Are you gay?' are some of the standard responses to admitting to the house husband profession. Are there pre-conceived perceptions of house husbandry amongst societies stereo types? Do people’s opinions depend on their background and profession? Well imagine a father and pushchair going for lunch into a working mans club and then imagine one going for lunch into a cafe in Clapham. Would a bunch of coalminers and a crowd of male fashion designers have different views on the stay at home dad? Who knows? I certainly don’t but I have experienced certain situations more than once by individuals who can conveniently be put into groups. I am confining my stereotypes to those who I meet frequently so there will only be different groups who look after kids.

The washed masses

  • The middle class mum.

    These outnumber all other groups where I roam. They dress their children in similar clothing, usually Boden and Crocs. They can be found congregating around cafes and well maintained parks. They will certainly follow one or more form of quackery e.g. cranial-sacral massage, homeopathy, astrology. Additionally they may let the lunatics who practice these ludicrous shenanigans perform on their children. I have heard a few women talk of their child's energy being out of balance etc. Some have the fascinating compulsion to talk of their husband's job despite the fact you have not and will not ever meet the person. 'He's having a hard time at work as they are restructuring.' They generally eat organic food and drive SUVs, they claim their children don't watch tv and yet are able to sing all the Cebeebies theme songs and most importantly they really like stay at home dads. I love them all, definitely worth getting to know.

  • Attractive mothers

    These may well be a problem if you yourself are attractive or rich, luckily I have average height, humour, looks and am broke. Jaw-dropping beauty is not too common but when found it can disable you and disarm your ability to look after your offspring. For example a Land Rover could be careening towards your first born whilst you are lost, gazing at a perfect pair of eyes or knockers (I use the medical term knocker rather than the legal term hooter as a personal preference). Overly beautiful women may not have the best personalities as they have power over half the people they meet and power corrupts. It is my suggestion that you should avoid contact unless you have coitus in mind.

  • Grandparents

    Always worth chatting too. Older people have inevitably done things you have not and know things you don't. Amusingly they seem to care less what others think of them and so speak more honestly. If you are lucky you strike gold and get talking to a lunatic who is adamant about how much better things were in the old days. I have encountered two in my time who have been openly and shockingly racist without any realisation or a care of the offense they are causing. Coerce sweet old wealthy grandparents onto the subject of immigration just to get an idea of how unpleasant otherwise nice people can be.

  • Foreign nannies and Au pairs

    The number of children who have foreign day carers is increasing in line with the number of young children with unusual hybrid accents. Many a child has a lovely French lilt to their words but cannot speak one jot of the Gallic language. Obviously au pairs and young eastern European nannies could fall into a previous category but there is no need to go over old ground. Err on the side of caution and remember the two most important rules of marriage - Do not get caught and deny everything.

  • Fellow house husbands

    The thousand yard stare that is now known as post traumatic stress disorder is seen in the brave men who have defended this nation, people who have witnessed terrible incidents and house husbands. Dads at home are your brothers in arms. They listen to the word dad in a whining voice one thousand times a day too, they are elbow deep in shit every few hours, they have seen big cook little cook. They live in a society that holds financial success, the career ladder, above all else but have neither a ladder nor a means to buy one. They are bottom dwellers looking up at our societies fine capitalist ladders, and the good men and women clambering to keep the economy in place at its different heights. Like work colleagues they are sitting in the same boat as you but unlike them there is no water below. It is essential you find a few that you get on with.

  • Working folk

    I lump this group together but there are definitely two distinct camps. Those who would love to quit work to look after kids (these don't have children) and those who would rather stay at work even if it is for only one day a week (these have kids). These people work for eight or more hours a day and so don't have much time to think, I therefore don't consider their opinions of house husbandry or anything else other than their work topic and main hobby. Since they are working whilst you are not then there is little reason to pursue their company.