Projects

The feelings of self loathing, shame and castrated machismo are all perfectly normal as a house husband and you will soon love these states as much as workers love pride, sense of completion and purpose. Until the time comes that you can stare into the abyss and feel content at your disenfranchised existence you should set yourself tasks and projects. What you set yourself depends upon what kind of person you are. Be it an academic endeavour such as writing a book, a physical challenge like the triathlon or building a shed you will become reacquainted with self worth. Don't worry though these will only postpone your eventual acceptance of your lot and one day you will awake so depressed that you have officially made it. Like a butterfly crawling from a chrysalis, your metamorphosis complete, you will spread your wings, sit down on your sofa and drink.

Look upon my work all ye mighty and despair.

  • Write a book

    It is my dream to write the great American novel but my standard of English is evidently not good enough and I have no suitable ideas. If only I was a minor celebrity I could write an autobiography (I realise they don't write their own) and outsell many established authors as the general public are magnificently intellectually complacent. I read that the key to selling books is to get over the tipping point. If just enough folk buy it, it will domino and loads of people will. So let me make a suggestion, 1) include a prologue in your book of mundane celebrity drivel before your totally unrelated masterpiece and then 2) pay celebrity magazines and Red Top papers to advertise 'new book reveals secrets they didn't want you to know' or 'middle aged celebrity suffer from normal dermatological condition on the back of her thighs' you will be on a winner.

  • Build a shed

    There are some truly magnificent sheds which are easily built simply by buying a book called 'How to Build a Shed'. However a shed should not be too inviting as others may be drawn to it. You want your shed to look a little dangerous and potentially harmful to children. If you don’t suffer from arachnophobia it may be worth collecting a few spiders when you have finished to get a good cobwebbed look as soon as you can. The most important function of your shed is as a distillery. Once you have fermented your potatoes or rice you need to separate the sweet liquor into its constituent parts. A simple internet search will show you how.

  • Athletic achievement

    I heard that the feeling you get as you pass the finish line of a marathon is the nearest a man can get to the feeling of child birth. Extreme pain followed by pleasure of knowing that the ordeal it is over. It may be worth running one to experience this, or it may not. My only word of caution is that exercise (especially coupled with organised racing) can be very addictive and all encompassing . If you are a runner you will find yourself discussing your running times and routes when in the pub If you are a swimmer you will start thinking people want to hear about how shaving off your body hair coupled with extra tight Speedos has knocked another minute off your time for a mile. Staying healthy will also stave off the blues and this can adversely affect your guitar playing.

  • Learn a musical instrument

    May I suggest the harmonica as this can be learnt during bathing hour. The steam and water make it sound better too; I think this is why some musicians keep theirs in a glass of water in between songs. If you already can play a couple of instruments then write and record an album. I completed one before my full maturity to proper house husband and can almost remember the sensation of pride. This is despite the fact that it was appalling. The quality is irrelevant, this is true of all other projects, you could come last in a marathon or have two large plastic Wendy houses taped together for a shed.

  • Become a Painter/sculptor

    You must be careful with this one as your children will complain that you are allowed to paint and are only allowed to use Photoshop on the computer. If you are a talentless half wit who can only draw or sculpt at the same level as a chimp then stick to modern art. Your complete lack of skill and effort will go totally unnoticed.

  • Learn something, e.g a language, computer programming

    If you have one child then you have at least four years before full time school. This means you will not be using your brain for any task that animals are not capable of. For a kangaroo, a monkey, a parrot and thousands of other animals all rear children. To keep yourself at a level above the beasts you need to use your brain. You could come out of your four year service virtually fluent in another language, carry a pocket book around with you and load learning disks onto your mp3 player. The same is true of computer languages; you may well be able to get a better job than the one you left. Four years is longer than many degree courses.