Planning

Which bars allow children in that are within a couple of miles from your house. Are there any with a playground attached? This was the first question I asked myself and was hugely surprised by the answer. Yes. It is incredible the amount of time and money that mothers spend sitting around consuming beverages. The market responded so cafes and child friendly bars are rife in certain areas. Where are the best soft plays? What time are the hot-young-mother and child swimming lessons in the local pool? Are there any fathers groups in the area or one o'clock clubs? You should write down a list of all the things you can envisage doing and see if it is possible. Most bookies will turn you away but there is always the odd one that allows you a rushed visit.

Where are the following?

  • Swimming Pools- Where is the pool and what time are the classes?

    Your local swimming pool does not just provide swimming. It will have all manner of unusual activities. For example it will probably have an aqua aerobics class designed for the pregnant and the elderly that will be entirely comprised of individuals who fit neither description. They will all be fat though. It will also have a mother and child class. In these you will find many amiable young mothers listening wide eyed as an exuberant youth urges them to wiggle their child in the water. Many of the parents will be very self conscious that they are not waif like since they recently gave birth and are trying to eat enough to accommodate lactation. Unlike ladies hour (another feature in swimming pools) you are welcome in the mothers group but you will not be as welcome if you look like Michelangelo’s David. Therefore, try to add a few pounds so that you fit in and don't make others feel uncomfortable

  • Fathers Groups - Where and what time?

    There is only so much time you can spend without talking about sport so you need to meet other house husbands. The novelty of only being in the company of the fairer sex wanes far faster than you might presume. The main difference, when not sorting out the tactical problems of the national team, is there will be large portions of silence when there are only men. These conversational quiet patches do not seem to occur in any group containing more women than men.

  • One O’clock Clubs- Where and What Time?

    A One O’clock Club is a place where parent and child go so their children can socialise in the afternoon. They are like a nursery but the parent stays. Some clubs are good and some are appalling. You will find that the parents start to behave as if they are at a nursery and will totally ignore their children. One or two community workers will be rushing about breaking up feuding toddlers and trying to find the parents of injured children. Meanwhile gangs of parents form; the gossiping grandmothers chatting about how things were, the eastern European nannies looking as young as some of the children, the white middleclass liberals. complaining about taxes. Sometimes there will be extra council workers there teaching you how to feed your children healthy foods. They generally help to sell the overpriced biscuits and crisps too.

  • Soft plays- How many are near you which are the best ones?

    Once you master inner calm and the ability to cut out background noise these are invaluable. Chase your child around these and it is a good workout, or with the right ear plugs and a suitable newspaper you can relax.

  • Museums - take your own food. (Restaurants and museum shops are unconscionably expensive

    The weight of the world will not yet have crushed your child’s spirit so they will have a prodigious interest in the world around them. An aquarium, stuffed animals, a bee’s nest and a music room are just a few of the things in the museum nearest to my house. Animatronic dinosaurs, full sized models of blue whales and scientific wonder are only a train ride away if you are prepared for a bit of travel (and live in london).

  • Parks - Visit them all, good ones are worth the extra travel.

    Imagine. The sun is shinning, the birds are singing, your child is running through a lush green field towards an array of climbing frames, swings and slides. You lay out your picnic mat and lay down with a gentle breeze caressing your tired body as it prepares for a solar massage. Think of the millions trapped in an office and be appreciative.