Making Money

Once you mount the steed of shame and ignominy that comes with receiving house-keeping you realise your finances can be accounted for. A simple enquiry into the costs of food, petrol and activities will show how much cash you spend on other things. If, like many everyday folk, you hide a few bottles of expensive single malt around the house then you will need extra money. Additionally, ladies of the night and gambling can hit the pocket. Close your eyes and picture yourself saying the phrase "Please can I have some money I want to go out with my friends." Did you see yourself as an acne riddled youth. Would your mind not even allow the idea of being in that position as an adult? Then here are some tips to earn that little extra.

First you make the money then you get the power....

  • Sell clothing on E-bay

    Your children grow. Anything that is too small for them should be sold on ebay. You can make a small fortune off very small clothing as pregnant women/ breast feeding women have an insatiable desire to buy crap for their offspring. They will even buy second hand cloth nappies though ebay will reprimand you for this. Notice your wife’s dressing habits. For example there are probably about 100 pairs of shoes that your wife does not wear in the house. Sell them and claim ignorance if ever asked.

  • Pretend to be robbed

    There are two approaches here. Some people scam their insurance companies but I do not condone this as they just hike their charges- they always win in the long run. Instead just steal your partners ipod or mobile and persuade her that she has been pick pocketed. Again sell these on ebay (you may have to unlock the phone)

  • Gamble

    Rangers, Celtic, Manchester United and (depending on the season) Chelsea and Arsenal can be used to make money. If you look over a season at the amount of games they all win, compared to the games where one of them loses, you will realise there is a profit to be made. Furthermore, the losses usually occur when one of them is playing an in-form team. You can't make big bucks but you can easily double your money once or twice a month. The knowledge required to win on the horses is like a full time job so it is not worth the effort. If you are going to gamble on the stock market then look for companies that sell weapons, they will claim to sell other things but a little research will pay off. A huge amount of money goes into the research of weapons so there is always new technology to sell. Armies need to 'keep up with the Jones's' in the same way as you or I.

  • Buy and Sell

    If you know anything about a particular subject. eg comics, modern art, figurines. Then you will be able to make money too but this is erring dangerously close to real work. It is worth remembering that a 2-3 year old can be taught to wrap small items too. I have been lead to believe that some children (chinese and Sri Lanken) can make small items of clothing too, I don't think that these children are more talented than their western equivalents. It is that they are given the opportunity to get involved in the fashion industry earlier.

  • Credit cards

    Spend like there is no tomorrow on a credit card. Then when you are in enough debt to leave you with a sense of guilt you should come clean to your partner. This is not actually my idea but a ruse that many women use on their hard working husbands. The key to success is to cry and weep when admitting your debt. I know that a friend of mine whinged saying she had given up her career and that all her working friends could afford nice things. (Nice things being something like a dress with a well known label as opposed to a dress with a not so well known label)

  • Beg

    Beggars with children tend to be far more successful then those with just a bit of cardboard, dogs are often used to soften potential punters too. Be sure that your child looks the part by smudging some graphite filings between your thumbs and rubbing it on their hands and face.