House Work

Get a cleaner, if you can't afford one then sell more stuff, sell drugs, do medical drug testing.... anything. Even with a cleaner you will, regrettably, have to do daily chores, so minimising activities that cause disorder and un-cleanliness is essential. Some people who find themselves married to moaning tyrants can really suffer if the house is a mess. A far wiser man than myself gave me some profound advice. When he got home from work, a full half hour before his wife, he would stay in his coat and carry his suitcase. It gave her the impression he had just arrived home. Appearance is everything. It is the action of cleaning or DIY that will silence the moaning. The wise man also told me he had been converting his attic for the past two years, he had a soft mat, a lamp and some books in his attic. He would just turn his drill on intermittently and read in peace.

The horror...the horror

  • Clothes washing and Ironing

    I have never met anyone impolite enough to point out that the clothes I wear are not ironed. Neither has anyone ever mentioned that my children look like a bag of rags. So why iron? We live in an extremely polite and civil society where mentioning such things is not done. Furthermore those who are neither polite nor civil don’t care about creases in clothes so there really is no point at all. Washing clothes should be done in one enormous load per week, on the 'mixed fabrics' setting. Don't worry too much about white clothes becoming discoloured as no one will care, so you shouldn't.

  • Vacuum cleaning

    As a child I recorded the sound of the Hoover on a tape deck and would play it back when asked to clean upstairs by my parents. I am not so sure this is such a good idea now as I was eventually caught and it became an anecdote. Children can vacuum once they are big enough but you may just have to endure the pain until they are about six.

  • Dusting

    In the summer months this can be minimised by keeping all the windows open so we will focus on the colder winter months. Obviously positioning fans around the house may be deemed a little odd so get very brightly coloured fun dusters and have rewards ready. One mini chocolate egg per room will persuade most young children and you will have to get a light, plastic stool so they can reach higher surfaces.

  • Washing up

    This may be hard to believe but some people do not have a dish washer. I know their pain. As mentioned in a previous section take-out solves this problem. During the hotter months you should eat outside too so you don’t need to clean the table (or sofa) afterwards

  • Gardening

    People who don't consider this to be house work are being pedantic. If it annoys your wife and can be seen from the house it will no doubt cause you to do some activity or work. Lawn requires far more upkeep than a carpet. The obvious gardening solution is to pave over anything capable of cellular division.

  • DIY

    There is a lot more on DIY in the next section, Projects. So I will just mention that many women don't know how long a typical DIY task will cost so there is an opportunity to get whiskey money.