Children
Children are the reason why you no longer have to work and simultaneously the reason why you will begin longing for the workplace. Children can break you. They are relentless.
When you are hung-over you cannot just pretend to look after them in the same way you can feign almost any activity at work. They will scream if not fed, scream if not cleaned and
scream if it is the one day you are at your most fragile. They will seek out the one thing they should not go near in any environment. A child can easily find a needle in a haystack, the
needle and child will be drawn towards each other unless there is a more dangerous item in the haystack taking preference. Being vigilant is exhausting, you could think there is
a conspiracy at work by the manufacturers of safety equipment, why are plug sockets designed so a child’s but not and adult’s finger can fit? Why are they so low down? Why are child’s car seats
so complicated to fit and yet most 2 year olds can easily free themselves of the constraints when on a motorway?
If any one else spent their time stripping you of your basic freedoms and peace
you would consider them an enemy. Not so with your children, evolution has seen to it that you will laugh if they throw up in your mouth; you will pour scalding milk on your own hand to check its temperature;
you will accept sleep deprivation (an actual torture method); you will find yourself watching hours of unimaginable nonsense on television, reading the same profoundly boring book thousands of times.
In short, your time will be spent doing a series of tasks that if not for love, you would never do. To keep them happy feed them and let them sleep a lot.
Eating and Sleeping
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Feeding them
Breakfast
I have no advice for children under the age of one here other than to take turns with your partner in the morning so one of you can have an easier start to the day now and then. Children by the age of three can easily
pour cereal, milk and work a DVD player. Wean your child onto UHT milk from a young age as it does not go off so can be kept in the bedroom. Train them to use a DVD player and keep an educational DVD in there
you will be amazed how much they can learn while you sleep. The ages between one and two are the real problem. If your partner goes to work and there is no one around to judge you I suggest the following. You will need a set up
like the one in the artists representation (small table next to bed, UHT container spoon and cereal) First make sure your child can easily make it into your bedroom. Next to your bed have a small table and a chair above a waterproof mat.
. Have the DVD/UHT milk/cereal set up and perhaps a small travel kettle to warm the milk. Once fed, they may come and lie next to you to watch their educational video, or they may stay seated. With practice you can
sleep through any children’s DVD. -
Lunch
If you are rich then eat out. Cafes are a great places to meet other desperately bored parents and there is no cooking or washing up involved. If you are not rich then I suggest picnics in the warmer months, as again there will be no cleaning involved and you will still be out and about. On cold days invite yourself round to other people’s houses, people generally feel obliged to feed your children. You should of course, return the favour as having other children in your house is, unexpectedly, a very good thing. Children entertain children.
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Dinner
If you explain to the receptionist at your local Indian take away that the korma you are ordering is for a child they will make it especially non spicy. You do not have to be as specific with Chinese food, pizza or fish and chips. On the odd occasion you do cook at home I suggest you
use a rice cooker. Put rice (or pasta or noodles and mixed frozen vegetables into it. Then cook fish/chicken/veggi fillets etc in oven. This meal takes less than 1 minute preparation and seconds to clean. If you are not an environmentalist then use paper plates. -
Supper
Do not feed your children supper. The habits formed as a child remain as an adult. Piling food into yourself before you go to sleep is ridiculous and will have corpulent consequences
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Sleeping
Napping
This is without doubt the greatest aspect of being a house husband. You can easily squeeze in a daily 2 hour power nap whilst your child is aged between 1 - 2. This will drop to about one hour per day between 2-3. You will feel great, look rested and be less mean spirited, so it is good for the child too.
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Bedtime
Some people swear by routine for the main event of the parenting day. A bath followed by a book, a kiss then bed. This is one method. The author and many like him were given a nip of rum as a child to help 'get them down for the night.' This is an equally useful approach, though possibly illegal now. Another more novel proposal is to do the exact opposite of the timing routine but maintain the use of a trigger. Let them stay up late sometimes, put them down early others, sleep at friends houses, let them doze off in a pram on a Sunday evening whilst enjoying a few ales down the local. Just remember to say 'It is time to go to sleep' very audibly and clearly when it is time. Make them comfortable, make it dark ( a cloth over the eyes does it) then ignore them. Initially they will scream but after about a fortnight of conditioning they will be as nocturnally malleable as a junior doctor.
