Government Assistance

The government gives us money for having children. The tax payer pours his (or her {this is a house husband’s website after all}) pay into the state coffers and some of it goes directly to parents. Individuals who have not reproduced do not get to opt out of this. The hard working Richard Branson could apply for this money if he were to have a child tomorrow; the socially fortunate Prince William could if he were to increase the Royal line. The very poor can also apply for the money and so can all those in between. Should you have one child you get 18.10 pounds sterling a week then 12.10 pounds sterling for each one after that. This works out at 54.40 pounds sterling per week if you have four children which is just about enough to feed a pit bull terrier and maintain a cigarette habit should you be poor, or tip the nanny if you are rich.

Indirectly taxes also pay for the health and education of middle income and poor children in this great nation; the wealthy choose BUPA and private schools.

It costs a fortune to squeeze out a child in a hospital as there are a lot of necessities: the wages of doctors, midwives and nurses including their subsidised training; hospital cleaners; overpriced drugs; and sarcastic reception staff. All other animals can give birth without all these extras but we cannot perhaps because of our proportionally massive heads. Another theory is that it is more difficult for humans because Eve persuaded Adam to pinch a bit of fruit. Post pregnant pushing is punishment for pinching.

Once home you are given your very own health visitor, who will be determined to make you force feed your child if they are not a ’bouncing baby.’ The overly eager lady who visited my first born had a custard fixation and felt that my daughter may blow away without litres of the stuff. I was very surprised that an NHS trained health visitor would also be a custard pusher. I later discovered another health visitor who believes McDonalds to be a great, cheap and easy meal for her own kids.

Then there are the jabs which are the best thing the government do in the health domain. There are innumerable sprogs in the UK who have been spared from rotten illnesses due to this policy. Unfortunately many cretins believe that autism is a consequence of the MMR jab so some of the most unpleasant preventable diseases are worming there way back into society.

Education, education, education. The government helps us here by providing a schooling system second only to religious schooling, home schooling, private schooling and self schooling (the latter here being a child with a book in a room by themselves as opposed to one in a class of 30 with roughly 5 lunatics). Our great state has also decided that if you keep your child out of school too much then you, the parent, may have to do community service, or go to jail! My daughter has learnt many things at school, she had no idea that the word cunt or twat existed before her schooling commenced. She also talked like a young English girl as opposed to an American gangster rapper, though to be fair she is somewhere in between the two. ’Yo, father. It is a glorious spring afternoon, shall we go bunting or should we fly my motherfucking kite?’